What went on????????

What went on...?????? Other than one and 1/2 weeks I think I missed.....? The only way I can tell the story is backwards - an old trick of investigators. Stories told correctly backwards are never wrong. It starts off with a trip to the chemo clinic for one of three weeks of Thursday IVs of Gemcitabine - that was today. Sophia started the day by leaving for a trip to Maryland with Susan. I was looking at her new suitcase standing surrounded by her stuffed animals in the living room and and noticed the luggage was moving. We had just learned that I had been reacting to a new drug , Baclofen, which the oncologist had prescribed for my chronic hiccups. It occurred to me that last week I was "disoriented, lethargic, and delusional," exactly the side effects the drug description warned against. (The doctor is weaning me off the drug and today I can write - sort of - although Chris is doing the typing as I dictate.) The day before, we went to Sophia's softball game. I remember getting a Whopper at a fast food joint and a day full of hiccups, but not much of the game. I also tried to give this poor nurse at United Health Care my blog page address over the telephone, and knew there was something the matter with me, messing it up big time. The early part of the week I can't tell you other than Sophia's softball game and a lot of bloody noses (mine, not hers). I had to take salt tablets.....? Dizzy. Wrapping it up, what went on is the same thing as I said in the first sentence: What went on....??????? Other than one and 1/2 weeks I think I missed.

A burrito with Paxil on the side

Paxil - an anti-depressant that I've been taking since this whole thing started. Pancreatic Cancer is known to be linked to depression so it's a good thing to be using a drug like Paxil. Realizing the forest is more than the trees, the big picture says I'm depressed. I just asked the doctor for an increase in dosage. In a cerebral way I've understood depression with the dopamine/seratonin dynamic at play where ups and downs are a matter of life's day to day events, what's different (like my current hair cut -brush cut) someone has snipped off all the loose ends where fun and joy seems to reside. I'm not dragging my ass around moping but life's not fun right now and it's hard to engage in events with any excitement and eagerness - let alone talk about it. Emotions seem not only to be the outcomes from what you do but it's what the events are carried in - like a wrapper, like a good burrito, and my burrito has holes in it! And I want to fix it. And it is not just me overstuffing the burrito again.



Talking about it helps, and I need to domore of that but for me the biggest fear is recognizing there is a crack in my armor. Some small unsuspecting weakness that when push comes to shove, the whole thing will cave in. I think I've cried three times since I learned I have cancer. The most recent was with Chris over this whole herculean complex that in spite of my best intentions to stay strong and believe my health, family, finances, house repairs, insurance, and all the other stresses heavy on us are things that are going to work themselves out. I also recognized how different my life is; without an income (temporary- long term kicks in this May); without a job -it's who I've been all my life - you know a supervisor responsible for stuff; and without a way to get well quickly -that's the most damn frustrating thing. Being powerless. These things are are taking forever to resolve.



Three Gemzar chemo treatments down (I called it Gemcitabine before ), 15 more to go!!. It will be October before I'm done. I know the research and development into Cancer has given me life where no promise existed before but let me whine just a little more. My white blood count is so low today I went into the clinic for a "Neulasta" shot that will get my bone marrow producing these important little white cells - side effect bone pain. My platelet count is way down too, so having to watch for bleeding and keeping nose bleeds to a minimum each day is critical. My energy is so low getting the garbage to curb yesterday morning was all I could do.

So you see I'm depressed and what I do have that's good, don't want to fall out of my burrito.